I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You ruined the universe
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
