she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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