Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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