and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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