What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
