I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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