what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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