Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
