I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
