she looked like the bat from fern gully.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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