Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize