tequila makes me forget i have legs
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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