Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
