i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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