The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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