I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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