Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
