Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
