Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
