At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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