I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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