My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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