Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
