I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
