Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
