Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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