my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
