is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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