Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You are the jesus of drinking
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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