When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
