I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
