And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
