U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
