i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
