my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
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