Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
