I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
