loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
