mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
