Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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