ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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