You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm passing your future prison.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
