guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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