She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
