Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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