Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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