Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Couch. On fire.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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