Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
