i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
