Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
