I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
