My first STD was from a foam party
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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