So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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