Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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