When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
