If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize