Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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