How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
