We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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