Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize