So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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