Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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