: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So many bounce houses so little time
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
