I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
