We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We are all done wearing pants today
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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