census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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